Sometime over the last few weeks, an exhaustion and demoralization with social media sunk into me.
The Blog, the Twitter, the Facebook, the Instagram.
All of it.
A long time coming.
I have an urge to destroy it all.
I’ve already come off of Instagram, a feeling akin to an alcoholic quitting drinking. I no longer look at other people’s bodies, trips to Capri, or bearded hikers standing on railroad tracks in Washington State. I have no more desire to like and no more desire to have someone like me.
The blog I created in 2006, “Here in Van Nuys” has opened up some new avenues for me, in people I’ve met, in others who shared my interest in urban exploration, history, photography and the architecture of Van Nuys, the San Fernando Valley and beyond.
But my secret motivation for writing and photographing, to get discovered and enriched, and motivated and respected, and financed and hired, well much of that never happened.
Instead, the tired and poor, the lost and the aimless, those searching for some place to put their hopes in Van Nuys, without having money or vision, those are the ones who glommed on. There was no knock on the door by developers, or architects, or the Mayor. Nobody thought Van Nuys worthier because of my writing, or maybe they did, but it lead, not to a new community, but back to another blog post.
Occasionally, a notable person popped up in email. In 2010, playwright Jon Robin Baitz, sent me a nice message, signing it “Robbie”. We met for coffee, and he said he would stay in touch, and we never spoke again.
There must be a reason why I write and photograph and why I created “Here in Van Nuys”, but to the fast, shallow, clickable, dumbed down virtual world, that answer always ends in clicks and celebrities.
Recent disappointments are small but telling.
I photographed a guy and thought they were some of my best photos ever. He put them on his Instagram, with his 9,000 followers and less than 10 people liked my photos.
On Linkedin, another website whose purpose is mysterious, a comedian/actor/performer/writer/huckster named Rich R—— connected with me. I never met him before. He said he was looking for projects. I contacted him and he said, “I’m lookin’ at your IMDB dude and I don’t see nothin’ since 2006. I mean people have bad luck, but I’m like what have you done lately?” He later added, “I’m involved in several projects, including one in the low millions, and some other things on Vine, so if I have time I’ll look at yours.” Apparently, he believes INDB is factual and accurate. Just as Instagram is the truth.
A friend who lives in Encino told me of a nearby home renting for $8,500 a month. It was just rented by a 19-year-old white punky kid, a “social media influencer” who has two million followers and attained some recent notoriety for forcing his underage girlfriend to have sex with him on camera.
I cite these stories as evidence that human life, and human beings are sucked in by an imaginary world, a make-believe life, that sometimes pays, but also, much more, destroys and devalues.
The longer I walk in the virtual world, the more I feel it as a kind of imposter and identity thief who steals my thoughts, my reality and my existence and plays it out as a funhouse game.
Taking myself off of it, one step at a time, seems the next logical, lifesaving step.
When she was alive, before she was sick, my late mother Louise (1933-2014) was asked by her older sister, Millie (1924- ), to come visit Chicagoland.
My mom, who had moved from Illinois to New Jersey, and now (reluctantly) California, did not want to come to Lincolnwood where her sister had moved into an assisted living facility.
My mother imagined that the weight and sadness of going back to the town where she had spent most of her life would be an arduous and morbid visit.
In August 2014, Louise went into her final weeks of life, her body ravaged by lung and bone cancer. She drifted in and out of consciousness. And cried out, only one word, over and over again: “Millie! Millie! Millie!”
Instead, the visitor who came from California to see Aunt Millie last week was me.
I was on a trip visiting three cities where I had once lived: Boston, New York and Chicago.
And when I landed at O’Hare, I rented a car, and drove east on the Kennedy and exited at Nagle. I had GPS, but it was redundant.
Hungry, I stopped at a restaurant stand advertising “pop” and hot dog and fries for $4.99.
I was in Chicago. A man in the booth in front of me had tattoos on his arms: “Bears” and “Chicago”.
The homely brick houses, the steel storm windows, the oversized green light poles, the neat stores, the spotless streets, this was my city.
But it felt strange. It was foreign. After all, I had moved out of here in 1979.
Lincolnwood Place, where Millie lives, is part of a remade industrial section of the village. It is next to a diagonally placed shopping mall with a Carson Pirie Scott and other stores, surrounded by mounds of watered and cut grass, acres of parking, and shaded by many trees.
It’s mediocre and modern with a plastic surface of prairie style. They once had trains and factories here, but that was long ago.
Across McCormick, the North Shore Sanitary Canal is now disguised by parkland with bike trails, trees, and further north, a sculpture garden incongruously placed near the sewage waters.
When I was young, an enormous, high, circular, green, natural gas tank, banded by red and white rectangular paint, stood near Pratt and the canal, looming over the flat lands like Godzilla. I imagined it was full of toilet water and feces that drained into the sewage canal.
I feared falling into that canal. I dreamed of it sometimes.
Maybe I had once heard a scary story.
In the early 1970s, one late afternoon, my mom was driving her convertible Delta 88 across the Touhy Avenue Bridge that crossed the canal, when my brother Jimmy jumped out of the open roofed car at a red light and ran down to the canal with my mother in chase.
There were always dramas like that in my family, so even last week, seeing my 91-year-old Aunt, living in the assisted living facility, right near the canal, I thought of those nightmares of shit and polluted water and the hideous gas tank, and my retarded and laughing brother as he ran down to the banks of the canal, terrifying my mother, but eventually getting caught, and dragged by his curly hair back up to the Oldsmobile.
Life was like that then. My mother worked hard at being a mother.
Louise loomed large, as she did for 52 years of my life, still haunting me in dreams, still imploring me to keep trying, to keep going, as if my life were meaningful because I was alive for her sake.
A cousin, a cynical and jaded cousin, who I adore, once called my mother “the injured party”. Meaning that my mother always assumed the injured role, wearing, with weary bitterness, a fatigue and an anger, pushed into martyrdom and meanness, her reaction to her position taking care of a retarded child and an epileptic husband.
She was always telling me how she was in labor for 19 hours before I was born, and that she would have become a famous soap opera writer if not for the fact that she chose to raise me and my brothers instead of working for the man, Bill Bell, who created “The Young and the Restless”. She knew him when she worked at WBBM-TV in the late 1950s and early 60s.
Some mothers will tell non-mothers, as parents tell non-parents, that all the hard work, all the suffering, all the sacrifice, means something. They will tell you, a childless man, that you are selfish, that your joy, earned without children, is meaningless. Those days of screaming, yelling, haranguing, they must mean something, as they once meant something to my mother who spent many days and hours throwing a whiffle ball back and forth with my retarded brother.
There were some mothers, back then, in Lincolnwood, who rode to the tennis court in their Cadillacs, who played cards, who had maids who cleaned their houses, and men who drove to The Corner Store on Cicero to get milk and ice cream and cigarettes. There were some mothers, back then, who vacationed in the Bahamas and Acapulco, whose kids came back tanned and freckled, just in time for the cold Chicago winter. And there were mothers who went out to eat, instead of cooking dinner every night. There were mothers who shopped at Old Orchard, who played golf at the club, who got their hair colored at Water Tower Place.
But my mother was not one of those mothers. And she let us know that she was better for not taking care of herself in pampering and luxury.
She ran up and down the stairs with loads of laundry.
And sometimes, at night, later, every single night, she drank vodka and grapefruit juice and smoked True Greens down in the basement with her friends Eve and Eli as the Fifth Dimension played.
But who remembers the mother who cared? Her ashes, her inconceivable death, sit in my garage, on a shelf in Van Nuys.
Aunt Millie is still funny, wise, and lovely. And living in an apartment where her paintings, books and photographs are basically the same ones she had when she lived in Glencoe in the 1960s and 70s. She never throws anything away.
She was so elated and thrilled to see me. And I felt the same way about her. After all, we both represent living embodiments of beloved dead people. She is the sister of the only mother I have. And the daughter of my favorite grandmother of all time: Bertha Lurie.
I had expected, from family reports, that Millie was “losing it”. But instead, her sagacity and intellect, even dimmed somewhat, outshone those of us who live in that bookless, vocabulary starved world of text messages, Instagram and Facebook.
91-years-old. Born 1924. Five years before The Great Depression. Seventeen years before Pearl Harbor. Thirty-nine years before Kennedy died. She was up and alive and breathing and living in Chicago when Al Capone was killing and Hitler was still in prison in Munich.
On Wednesday, I went to have lunch with two women who were old friends of my mom’s from the University of Illinois and Sigma Phi Epsilon: Judy Mamet and Jane Sherman.
I drove down to Lake Shore Drive, and exited Montrose, and found myself at Jane Sherman’s apartment. This was the same building, Imperial Towers, where she had lived in the 1960s and as a child I always drove past it thinking of her and that twin-towered, concrete and glass edifice tiled with aquatic, gray marine patterns. I later found out that Jane and her husband had only moved back here last year, in 2014.
I was truly in déjà vu land.
And more so when I parked on Hutchinson Street; a historic district full of Prairie Style homes.
Before I picked up Jane (what a“Mad Men” name!) I walked around the houses, shooting architectural photos.
As I looked through my lens at one property, a pillowy bottomed young woman in nylon shorts, walking two dogs, yelled out at me, “I do not give you permission to shoot photos of me!”
She came out of nowhere, and screamed it. And I told her I had no intention of shooting photos of her.
Later on, I was down the street still photographing houses, when she walked past, an enormous pink cased Samsung phone in her hand, filming me as she walked her dogs.
I was in that familiar land of the crazy Chicago woman, the kind of female who was all around me growing up, like the neighbor who used to spit on our lawn when she drove up at night because she hated my parents.
But the other kind of Chicago woman, nearly rational, always romantic, the kind who still calls herself a girl at 80, dresses up for lunch, perfect hair and make-up, and orders a martini at 12:30pm, those were the two ladies who took me out to Gibson’s on Rush Street.
Judy and Jane had a purpose for bringing me here. My parents had first met here when this spot was a nightclub, Mister Kelly’s.
After lunch, we went inside, and looked at the old photographs on the wall of the former space. Glamorous, elegant, and legendary, it’s where you went to hear jazz, where you went to impress a date, it’s where you went to go out and have a grand time.
And somehow, in 1958, that is where my parents first found each other. And that’s how I got here. And that’s where I went back to when I went back to Chicago last week.
Two people, a Guatemalan born man, and his wife, raised three girls and one boy in this 1933 Van Nuys house.
The children grew into adults. They went to college, then graduate or medical school, and became highly educated professionals.
The parents, and another relative, stayed behind in the old house, a Spanish style ranch with a red tile roof and backyard full of fruit trees, and numerous potted, flowering plants.
All the old people died a few years ago. Now the house is being prepped for an estate sale. The lady running the sale is my friend. She invited me into the home to survey it.
It seems that nobody ever threw anything away. And every square space of the property was full of mountains of metals, tools, cans, bottles, wood, and machinery.
Packed tight in the front of the house was a tiny kitchen, dining room, living room and a two bedrooms. But in the back was a secret, unofficially constructed warren of rooms and an old patio converted to an indoor sewing room, and another bathroom, added on.
Outside, a jerry-built outdoor sink was plumbed up to an exterior wall. External electrical outlets taped up to live connections was nearby. A family of raccoons made their home above old lawn mowers and a rusted gasoline blowtorch. Any space that could store things, did.
Yet, these people were not pack rats or hoarders. They were, most likely, born poor, and through thrift, industry, and hard work, and a strong dose of Catholic faith, they persevered and prospered.
The front of their home has always been neat. The lawn is cut, the driveway swept, the cyclone metal fence keeps guard along the street. Birds of Paradise have grown large and cover the front living room window.
And when this house is sold, and the contents banished or transferred to new owners, the life of people who once inhabited this home will be erased forever.
Up until a few days ago, a blue and yellow auto repair building with Honda, Datsun and Toyota signage stood at Kester and Delano, a retro oddity imprisoned behind high, steel- spiked fencing.
Now the fence is down, and a bulldozer is making fast work tearing up the asphalt and the evidence of the existence of the former business.
What will go here? It seems likely that it will be another modern apartment, like the one just to the north of this lot. That makes sense, as this area is predominately residential, and the auto repair was the only one of its type north of Delano.
What is sadder is the probable fate of the mid-century building. It might, in a more imaginative use, be saved, and surrounded by gardens, trees and chairs, transformed into a cafe. It could, in this area, provide badly needed nature and respite from the violent cacophony of grit, crime, and poisonous fumes that surround it.
And if an apartment is built, let us hope it imitates the modernity, restraint and white crispness of the new units next to it. We have had enough of the multi-colored, brown and rust, red and orange, loopy, asymmetrical, glib, cartoonish and “fun” styles that have disfigured much of modern Los Angeles housing.
Even Kester, once on the critical list, seems to be turning a corner.
Excellent article. You somehow manage to explore and explain the different facets of ideology, design and practicality without bias. I have a new appreciation for the mid 1960s pedestrian mall even as it failed to ignite the rebirth it intended.
The city of Fresno sits in the middle of California’s San Joaquin Valley. When you drive into town from Los Angeles, the landscape is agricultural and framed by roadside eucalyptus trees. It gives way to off-ramp clusters of gas stations, fast-food chains, and light industrial warehouses. Most of Fresno’s neighborhoods, after nearly 50 years of decentralization and flight from the urban core, sprawl north, tracking the edge of the San Joaquin River. The city’s historic downtown and civic center are a near ghost town.
At the heart of downtown is the Fulton Mall. In the early part of the 20th century, it was Fresno’s main drag, Fulton Street, six blocks lined with banks and department stores. In 1964, the landscape architect Garrett Eckbo turned the…